Tuesday, September 28, 2004

What Apple Needs to Do to Keep Me as a Customer

I can't take it anymore!

(Italics mean it's been satirized for your protection)

What Apple needs to do is to find a way to put a G5 processor into a PowerBook. I don't know if they realize this, but a lot of people want it. Phil Schiller, are you reading this? If you are, I want you to print it out and bring it over to Jonathan Ive and make sure he knows about it, too! G5 in a PowerBook: Just do it! I don't need to be paid for this advice, maybe just be mentioned at the keynote address when it's unveiled. Being brought up onstage and thanked personally by Steve Jobs for saving his company would be nice. I'm willing to fly business class, if necessary (paid for by Apple, of course).

Oh, but while the G5 needs to go into the PowerBook, it needs to be cool. I have a 12-inch PowerBook with a 1.33GHz G4 processor, and it gets hot. So the G5 not only has to go into the PowerBook, but it needs to run significantly cooler than the G4 does now. In fact, it should run so cold that when the fan comes on, it's to supply me with a gentle and refreshing breeze on a hot summer day. With a hint of lemon scent. Except for the winter, when it should be cinnammon. Oh, and on Christmas, when it should be like a candy cane. And Halloween should be candy, like carmel corn. Easter, too, except it should be Peeps. There's a clock and a calendar running all the time, and Apple should take advantage of it. Perhaps tie things into iCal. Special occasions can be set to emit special scents. Like on your birthday, your 9" G5 PowerBook with a 23" display can smell like birthday cake! And you can be sitting there, typing away, and people next to you can ask, "Do you smell cake?" And you can say, "Why, yes! It's my computer! It's doing it for my birthday!" And maybe that person will be so impressed that they'll offer to take you to lunch for your birthday and the chance to ask you to tell them more about your computer. Think of the opportunities to get people to switch!

Which is why this 9" G5 PowerBook with a 23" display and scent emitters (iSmell? Just throwing it out there, Phil. Feel free to call it whatever you boys in marketing think will work!) should sell for under $300. That's right, $300! At that price, Apple will sell millions of them! Oh, I almost forgot! In addition to running cooler with no diminishment in speed or performance, the battery life needs to be much better than it is now. 10 hours, at least. And it shouldn't be hard to make it run longer when using the DVD player. When I drive, the wheels on my car spin and help to recharge the battery -- why can't the DVD spinning do they same thing? (I know what you're going to say, but it's NOT a perpetual motion machine -- it would stop EVENTUALLY.)

There. I feel better now.

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